It's been awhile. I miss writing. My life has changed so dramatically. Had a kid, lost a friend, got engaged, got disengaged,  lost a parent, uprooted. 

I have so much to say, and such an inability to verbalize it. 

I'm not where I want to be, but I know that at twenty years old, it's normal.  At the same time, it kills me. I've always been ahead of my age group, but now I've fallen down. I keep pushing back my feelings and my thoughts and it's breaking me down. 

Losing Holden took a piece of me away. I miss him every day, and I don't have anyone to tell. His infectious smile is forever burned into me. I never knew another like him, and know that I never will again. He had so much life inside him. Too much to handle, I suppose. 

Losing my mum has been the hardest. I never got along with her as well as I should have, but I loved her unconditionally nonetheless. 

I'm looking forward now, but the past definitely still has ahold onto heart. 

Some interesting changes have presented themself to me in the recent week. Big changes. Some good, some bad. 

I decided to start writing again every day. I always seem happier when I do, whatever the circumstances may be. 

I'll bring this to a close for now, and pick up tomorrow. No one reads my blog anyway. :]

I'm much too young to feel this damn old.

Ah, yes, I did throw some country lyrics into the subject line.

I am eighteen years of age. I cannot comprehend why at such a young age, I feel so old. I feel as though I carry years of baggage. I regret so much, and have made so many mistakes- not even mistakes to learn from, just flat out screwing up. I can't tell where I'm going. I don't even think I care. I am unmotivated, and I have no attainable goals.
People have such high hopes for me, and I'm not certain why. I've never proven successful. I haven't changed my bad habits.
I'm not some spectacular person with years of hope ahead. I can't explain why I feel so broken down. It's like my fate is sealed, and I can't do anything.
I work generally 40 hours a week, making minimum wage.
No relationship has proven successful. My friends make no attempt to see me. I'm just..here.
It all seems so stupid, because my whining will solve nothing, and I'm almost willing to bet anything that no one will read this.
It is nice to vent, though...

No child left behind?

So, I just read about a teacher who mocked her student's hair via Facebook. Doesn't sounds so bad until you read the story in its entirety. The child was seven, and the teacher took a photo of the little girl and posted it to her Faceook, accompanying a sarcastic comment. It comepletely AMAZES me to see the kind of people the school system is providing jobs to. How pathetic does one have to be to mock a child. AND! She had NO parental consent to post a photo of a minor on the internet. At seven years old, children are going to experiment with looks. They want acceptance, and they're trying to develop their own style. The teacher was not fired, she did not apologize, and there was nothing done. That is completely ridiculous!!! Tax dollars are being paid to support people with nothing better to do with their time than hurt the feelings of children. Fabulous.

Bod Mod

Okay, so I would love a fucking explanation as to why people with body modification have problems getting jobs. My piercing is not unhealthy. My tattoo is not going to contaminate anything. It does not produce some sort of inability to be a normal person. I take it extremely personally when someone judges somebody based on their aesthetics. Close your eyes...is it the same person because you cannot see them? I don't think so. So why is everyone SO hung up on superficial judgement? If something is wrong with me for having ink, then something is wrong with you for having a narrow mind and no artistic appreciation. Who are you to tell me that I'm less of a person based on the way I look? You might as well be racist.

Sleep.

I crave sleep. It's almost 2am as I write this. I'm so tired, but my mind is racing with all the things that are supposed to be finished that aren't. It keeps me up. I just got off the phone with Zane, & while I should be drifting into sleep, I'm worrying about tomorrow.

I have a lot on my mind. I wish I could find peace. I suppose it will come to me if I wait long enough.

My sanity has run away.

Update of sorts...

I haven't written in quite some time. Little things here and there, but as far as actually sitting down and spilling my guts, no. I've been working all Summer. No time to just sit and be happy. I have so many emotions running through me. I feel trapped, and I wish I could just scream. I hate everything, and I have no reason. I want someone to get what's going on in my head, but I've closed myself off to the point that even if they did try, I wouldn't let them. I don't know what to do but work and sleep. I don't even like people any more. Just David. When I am acting like a human being, he's the only person I'll say more than two words to. Or at least be genuine with. Anything I say to anyone else is just to shut them up about when I'm being so lethargic. David's quite odd. He doesn't care about the fact that he's extremely different than everyone around him. He says whatever he wants, even if it's the silliest thing I've ever heard.

Senior year is about to start, and I'm the slightest bit petrified. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm probably the biggest fuck up of all. I don't see how I'm ever going to get into college. I don't see how I'm ever going to have enough money to get the hell out of this shit hole I live in. Everyone keeps telling me to be optimistic, but what the fuck will optimism get me other than disappointment.

I'm not a suicidal POS, I'm just angry. I'm angry at the world. I don't need a reason. I want to yell at everyone. I don't really care what anyone has to say about it.

Tattooing: Art or Sin?

'Brooks & Justin Davis'

Tattooing has become an extremely popular form of body modification. But, is it deemed wrong or sinful? To some, yes but to others, it is seen as a form of self-expression or a way for people make themselves stand out.
Many religious groups believe that tattoos are sinful due to their interpretation of the Biblical statement, “Your body is a temple of the holy spirit.” In some beliefs, this means that your body belongs only to God and blemishing it is wrong.
However, is this just another statement that has been misinterpreted over years of translation and paraphrasing of foreign language?
Others argue that people aren’t doing anything wrong or committing any sins by getting ink. They say that tattoos aren’t hurting anyone and that it’s their skin to do with as they see fit.
If you choose to be inked, it is something you are choosing to live with for the rest of your life. You could opt to have it surgically removed but removal is costly and not thoroughly effective.
People who make the choice to live with their body art have to accept the fact that they are more than likely going to be looked at differently by certain people. Getting a job when you have tattoos can be difficult if they can’t be hidden by the corporate business uniform. People can make the assumption that a tattoo has an affect on someone’s personality and therefore the decision to hire them can change.
Tattooed people may be discriminated against by religious groups who believe it to be a sin. Their entire life could be affected by a bit of ink and some needles. Is it fair? You decide.